Recently I have begun to realise and believe there are more things on this earth than I had previously wondered about, like life itself. But, this is a story for another blog perhaps. Not this one.
I feel a deep necessity to share my journey, something I always thought I would do towards the latter part of my life, and perhaps in book form. This is neither.
My map of the world seemed simple enough to me, work, play, be merry and hope, by large, I didn’t get caught. I was quite a player, a dreamer, a party goer, one who took life by the tail and shook bloody hell out of it. I’d positioned myself well in life with party goers around me, fun at every turn, a half-hearted lover and quite a well-paying job. This financed the fast cars, nightlife, renovations and anything else I set my eyes on. Never did drugs, but I did do alcohol and designer materialism. All this was just a mission really, a mission to see how long I could last, how hard I could play, how much I could spend.
Without too much depth before the big event, I’ll say this, I was on a collision course with the great universal forces that have a way of slowing the rate and getting the unsuspecting participant to wake up and participate. So the universe threw a couple of things my way, I just tripped over them, the big one was yet to come.
July 2007. I was woken by police and ambulance knocking at my door very late one night, with my awakening.
My brother had taken his life. Needless to say, shattered was a very gentle word to what I felt. In the same time period, only a few months later, I also relinquished contact with my immediate family. Typically wearing my own self-blame and squandering my feelings within the realm of self-pity. Martyrdom perhaps, a self-imposed exile designed within myself to make me pay. I began a journey down the tracks to Spiral City, on the desolation train. My life became a world of hurt and anger, blame, distrust, abandonment and overall madness. Mind you, I still held the job and seemed to function, on the surface. Underneath was the planet of pain. Moments of “poor bugga me” gave way to hours weeks months, of the same. I believed myself to be worthy only of anger and sadness. The poor me syndrome had hit and wasn’t leaving anytime soon. This went on for about 3-4 years, neither here nor there, not focused, just oblivious.
At last, very slowly, after encouragements from others, I began to inch back, to regain what I had lost somewhere way way way back, even as far as childhood. I began to drop blame, to harness the truth of who I really am. I began to search for answers to questions. Over and over again I would ask different people the same question, over and over again I got answers, some good, some questionable. I read books, articles, did courses just searching for the answers, anything to make sense of where I was in life and how I got there…until finally…..
Yes, finally I realised where the answers lay. I opened a door and found what I was looking for. I don’t know where the door was or what it looked like, not even when I opened it. It just happened. I can now be in my own true nature of who I am, and tell you with an honesty that has stood the test of time…my truth and answers were within me all the time. I couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t want to listen. Do you know why? I’ll tell you, I didn’t want to listen, because it was too easy. I wanted hard, I wanted poor bugga me, and I wanted to remain in my map of the world, my box of despair that I had closed the lid on. I wanted to relinquish what I had come here to do in this life. Poor bugga me!
Not now. Not now do I see myself as anything else but who I am. I can take full responsibility for my actions, my decisions, my thoughts, and my past. I can say what I believe and believe what I say. I trust myself and I love the journey I’m on. I believe the experience, as with all of the experiences throughout my life, have been teaching and guiding me to where I am. I have met some of the most beautiful souls on my journey, ones I recognised and ones I didn’t. These people have all played their part in my journey. For that I give gratitude to them.
If you are reading this and having a similar journey, take great solace in the fact that it really is up to you. We can all sit back and live comfortably despondent in our box, yes indeed. But then, what if it was just this easy? What if it really is up to you, and you’re the one who can throw the lid off and regain your life? What if you’re the one with the power? What if all it took was a small amount of confidence within you and a true want to change? There are many ‘what if’s”, the world is full of them. What if you turned your life around and fulfilled those dreams? Yes, indeed.
There was a lot more experiences to that time in my life, but the ones of substantial note are documented. I am writing this is hope that you see a spark of light, something in you stirs, and you see what you need to do to help yourself.
And for me now? I found a whole new map.